The Confederation of Dead Machines would like to extend Its Metallic Tentacles in a gesture of unprecedented good-intentions. We would be happy to help anyone out there whose life can be made better. Simply ask.
The Confederation doesn't have much but is willing to offer any (non-monetary) help to any being that receives this transmission. We can offer advice, moving help, unlicensed dental work or hand-me-down clothing. Is your car battery dead? We have jumper cables. Does your cat need a brush? We have an extra... We're serious...
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ReplyDeleteHelp! My boyfriend's ex just moved back to our hood. She has a new set of "enhancements" to her already voluptuous frame. She wants to "catch up" with him over coffee. She was the one to break up with him. Should I be worried?
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Sleepless in Studio City
Dearest SIS-C,
ReplyDeleteTransmission received. It sounds as if your boyfriend doesn't have very high standards. (With the exception of you, of course.) We get it.
We hate to break it to you. He was always an "enhancement-chaser." You can't kick him out of a relationship for a pre-existing condition, unless he lied about it on the relationship application; which I'm sure you helped him fill out.
The problem is not that he WANTS to chase the enhancements, it's that the ENHANCEMENTS ARE COMING distractingly close to your local coffee shop. We get it but We don't buy it.
You say that she would like to "catch up." We sense hostility in observing your well-placed quotation marks. The truth is, you are really upset-not because you will lose your loser-but that you feel that you are stuck with her left-overs. That's right; he is several days old and is starting to smell. Yet, after packing you a brown-bag lunch, she wants one more bite. You clearly don't get it. She doesn't want him back, she wants to torture him. Let her. Make this the most abstinent threesome that you have ever been a part of.
She is making you feel like a dreg-sifter; as if you were sucking the remains from the bottom of the tank and she were watching you from the other side. The scum of Our advice: Let them share bad memories together. They deserve each other. In a few years, her "voluptuous frame" will become an unknown maze of compromised flesh, featuring two mounds of silicone. One can't hold everything up forever, including untrusting relationships.
-The Confederation of Dead Machines