Wretched Dresser

The Toothbrush Creature did not have any furniture. Before he moved in, he planned on having a swanky bachelor's pad. He was going to have fancy furniture and lots of sheets to build a fort. He would surely win the Termagant's heart back! First, he needed a dresser. One night, after a mango party, he walked by a wet dresser. (The other ones he scavenged for had all of the drawers missing, for some reason unbeknownst to the Toothbrush Creature.) He went home, since he was carrying a tray of cannoli that could not be left to the elements. When he arrived home he subconsciously decided that he was not going to lug an entire dresser for half a block and then up one flight of stairs. It was too much effort, plus he knew that a good box of cannoli should never be left unattended. And he had THIS RASH. That was besides the point. A half of a block and a flight of stairs was a lot for a skull with a flower and three teeth to manage.

Before passing out on the floor, the Toothbrush Creature cursed the fact that he did not have anywhere to place his belongings. It did not feel right to not have a junk drawer. Where else did one have the freedom to scatter things that were in one's pocket? Where else could one have such compartmentalized chaos? It was the thought of a junk drawer that could get one through the day. The Toothbrush Creature's pockets had been filling up with junk for ninety-seven days. His initial thought was that someone else deserved the wet dresser, since there were other skeletal remains that were slightly less fortunate. (He knew a set of ribs named Bob that were constantly chased by neighborhood dogs.) He felt good that he could be a great creature and think about others first. Unfortunately, when he rolled his face onto the hardwood floor one of his pockets exploded. He decided that not taking garbage was for suckers.

It was time to brave the drizzle and check out the wet dresser. First, he chased a salami with a bottle of vodka. Times were tough.

During his slump down the stairwell reached a slow conclusion. He remembered that he was furnishing his apartment for the Termagant. She had not been social, ever since her lemonade stand went into foreclosure. (She seemed generally happy to have the Toothbrush Creature as a customer. She did not even charge him extra for a cup.) The Toothbrush Creature could see a group of vandals stealing the knobs off of the wet dresser. They were obviously doing it for sport, since something was AMUSING to them. TC was not having it. He slicked back where his hair used to be, just before kicking some ass. After an hour of dragging expired, the Toothbrush Creature left his dresser on the top three stairs. He decided to expand his apartment (his TV-VCR) into the hallway. The Termagant asked to be buzzed-in...

A Refreshing Post

The Termagant spent over a year on her conceptualization of the world's most structurally sound lemonade stand. She stole ideas from the public library, as well as pencils, pens, and whatever else would not be detected by the security buzzer. She became paranoid that the Toothbrush Creature was going to steal her idea. Therefore, she put a hold on the (increasingly hot) courtship. She told him that she needed to dedicate her life to hard work.

She queried an architect but refused to disclose pertinent details, such as how many floors she intended. She told the architect that, "[he] didn't know a ranch-style commercial building from a bomb-shelter." After further insults and accusations, he was hired. The ensuing months did not go very well, as the two differed on the few details that were disclosed by the Termagant. Eventually, she decided to hire a second architect, so that he could be told the pieces of information that the first architect was not allowed to know. The architects argued over everything except the audacity of their boss. The first architect bought a gun. The second architect bought a can of mace. Unfortunately, the first architect shot the second architect when the mace ran out. During the funeral, the Termagant decided that she would construct the building, alone, without the advice of the subject matter experts.

Months went by in the Termagant's basement. Rumors spread that she died from thinking too hard. Others argued that the Termagant died from being too mean. Even the cops were afraid to check. For the most part, her basement was feared by all who held their breaths while passing the dark, thorny front yard. The neighborhood children feared the Termagant's new, bright idea, should she have survived the thinking and being mean. The school did not send a note home, since it was safer that way.

Finally, one weekend, she unraveled the blueprints with her gnarled digits. She laughed a snorting, shrieking-grinding noise that sounded like a hyena being run over with a hand-held lawnmower. Rain bashed against the Termagant's basement window. All that could be seen from the outside, was a cloaked creature in the careless strobe of the ceiling light, which had been in motion for weeks. If one dared, one could see a few test lemons and a pitcher of icy water. It was said that the termagant did not plan on adding sugar to the lemonade.

The whole building a building thing did not work out. She went out on to the sidewalk on the stormiest day since the last she disappeared, holding a rickety table with three legs, dried blood and cigarette burns. She left it on the sidewalk for several hours, knowing that none would touch it. She returned in a new outfit that looked like a dirty doll costume. She brought back a pitcher, censored by electrical tape. It could have been anybody's guess what she was offering. She spent over four hours, as lightning fell around her, rearranging the paper cups. Finally, a customer arrived...

All Bark and No Overbite

The Toothbrush Creature actually had a Christian name. However, in college, he went by "Sky" for a while, followed by "Avarice." Around the office, however, he was nicknamed "The Toothbrush Creature" because of his strange set of three overhanging teeth. However, he refused to get braces, determined to prosper with his natural beauty. Due to his cosmetic malady, it seemed that he could attract only females with either TOO MANY TEETH or NOT ENOUGH TEETH. The Termagant fell under both categories. In other words, the Termagant was given two sets of sharp teeth on her lower-jaw and none to report for an overbite.

The couple met on a rainy morning, in Mister Monstrosity's dentistry and candy-shop. The Termagant accidentally bumped into the Toothbrush Creature, while reaching for a set of dentures. At first, there was a fight, even though there was a mutual secret crush. The Termagant could not believe what she had seen. A single man, with three huge teeth on his overbite. Her skull-flower fell to the floor and she waited for her love interest to pick it up.

He said that his name was Thomas, that is, Sky or Avarice, but rather, the Toothbrush Creature. He placed the flower on his skull, as things were just getting interesting...

A Brief History Concerning Blogs

The Toothbrush Creature, one day, poked fun at the Termagant for not having a blog. The Termagant, who normally strayed away from awkward social networking phenomena, was quick to state, "The word "blog" sounds like "blah." The Toothbrush Creature spent over half an hour trying to explain that blogs are not boring wastes of time. "In fact," he insisted, "People who read blogs are not desperate for new things to think about. If you're lucky, [followers] are like the friends who are losing the popularity contest that you are winning."

As usual, the Termagant decided that enough was enough. She opted to look into the popularity contest, so that she could crush any followers. Secretly, the advice of the Termagant was to be filled with hook-worms and snakes. She could not wait to be asked a question! The problem, was that she could not determine the best way to procure a follower. She asked the Toothbrush Creature if he would follow her blog. He was so excited to have an invitation, that he developed two user names and followed her twice. The Termagant clenched her fist and prepared to enter her first set of words...

The Termagant Versus The Toothbrush Creature

I, the dead machine from outer space have advice about spirituality, literature, movies, books, gardening, and etc. I will try to be fair when posting transmissions on behalf of The Termagant, as well as the Toothbrush Creature. The landscape and general descriptions of the creatures shall be described in further details, on later posts.

I welcome questions about the couple but will not release my calculations about their relationship status until a later date. Tah tah. And positive worship.