How May We Help You?

The Confederation of Dead Machines would like to extend Its Metallic Tentacles in a gesture of unprecedented good-intentions. We would be happy to help anyone out there whose life can be made better. Simply ask.

The Confederation doesn't have much but is willing to offer any (non-monetary) help to any being that receives this transmission. We can offer advice, moving help, unlicensed dental work or hand-me-down clothing. Is your car battery dead? We have jumper cables. Does your cat need a brush? We have an extra... We're serious...

How to Bag the Stag

TC tried to escape the Termagant but it was no use. She had his skull locked down with an elbow and her foot was somewhere it wasn't supposed to be. The only movements that were allowed were induced by the Termagant for dramatic effect. Still, TC decided not to spill the beans about the senator's beeper number. In the process, he chipped a tooth and he lost a general sense of dignity. As a skull, he didn't know if he was already dead or just a manifestation of the confederation of dead machines.

It was not that the Termagant was a bad creature; quite to the contrary, one might argue! She was simply quite fond of the senator. Thus certain goals needed to be reached in order to bag the stag.

The termagant: A lady who knew what she wanted and that she deserved to have what she wanted.

The Toothbrush Creature: a skull, in love and under-appreciated.

After several hours, the Termagant took mercy on her opponent. She indicated that she would be back and that calling 9-1-1 would be useless. The situation was like the under-par sport called golf; everyone involved lost...

When a Friend is Sick

After the partay, the Toothbrush Creature came down with a case of the ills. He did not feel like waking up in the morning because he was feeling down and out. He wanted to listen to the blues but his record player was way-broken-beyond-repair. It was immoral for the Toothbrush Creature to be a DJ. ( The only thing that the poser knew how to scratch was his ass, if that.) Guess what-the needle broke and almost poked someone's eye out. The guests did not seem impressed by the digitally-remastered Van tracks. Furthermore, he thought that the bass was turned up but it turned out to be a second treble button. Mrs. Whitherbean ran out screaming, saying that she had to "wake up early." The rest of the party shuffled out after the senator's third liver and he said, "adios."

The Termagant, who happened to be a part time 9-1-1 dispatcher, responded to the emergency. TC buzzed her in by throwing pieces of his record player at the button. Her stomach got stuck between the couch and the banister again. TC screamed he had the ills because of the partay. T told him to hang in there while she came to the rescue. She told the patient to hang in there. She wiggled past the obstruction, carrying a doctor pepper in a 1920's medical bag. TC asked for mouth-mouth resuscitation but was flat-out denied. He was told that doctor pepper was the cure to all known medical emergencies. After TC's pain was alleviated, nausia subsided, and intentions were unrequited, he was tucked into bed. The Termagant ran her fingers through the patient's hair, empathetically. Like an angel, she asked TC if he needed anything; anything at all. She walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of frozen chicken. The Termagant put her lips close to the patient's ear and demanded the senator's phone number.

As well as he knew how, the Toothbush Creature took an air of disapproval to one of the T's whims. He said that he had lost the senator's number in a boat accident. T could tell that TC was lying. She had an uncanny talent for reading into people. What she saw before her, she didn't like.
"Are you telling a fib?" asked the T, pushing the bag of frozen chicken against his throat.
"Where are the other paramedics?" asked TC
"They must be where the senator's phone number is," said the T. "Missing!"

The Toothbrush Creature, in retrospect, panicked. He could have surrendered more of the senator's classified information. He could have invented misleading information. However, he crawled over to the phone and dialed 9-1-1. The Termagant's cell phone went off and she answered it. She told the caller that 9-1-1 was busy, kicking some ass. TC hung up the phone and wept...

Chapter Eleven

The Termagant moseyed to the Toothbrush Creature's "wretched dresser welcoming partay." Upon entering, her pot-gut got caught in between the dresser and the banister. Subsequently, her stomach became an underground running-joke with the rest of the guests. Along with the pudgy-stomach jokes and mix of barely-audible passive-aggressive Van Morrison songs, there was a group of revel-rousers who reckoned themselves ninjas. The partay could not have become more embarrassing; until a special guest arrived.

The senator was a kinky old man; vomiting money and full of dirty tricks. The senator's peppered hair was slicked back in order to prove that he was honest, presentable, and smooth. The Termagant wasn't expecting the senator! She tried to flirt with him by presenting objects that held value within in her society. She casually allowed her work-boots to be seen. (The Termagant had heard that he was in to work-boots.) However, the senator was too occupied by his alcoholism to notice.

As "Queen of the Slipstream" played in the background, the Toothbrush Creature small-spoke. Things had been awkward since the courtship moratorium. TC told the T that the recession was the cause o' her failed lemonade stand. It was simply a "high concept presented to a low-demographic." Next, he asked whether the Termagant filed for chapter eleven. There was no response. A silence that just wasn't right followed. Something else was going on in her mind. And throughout the room. Something. Sinister.

The senator occasionally nodded, as if approving important world matters. His eyeball lingered on TC's club-jacket crest for more than one... moment...

Wretched Dresser

The Toothbrush Creature did not have any furniture. Before he moved in, he planned on having a swanky bachelor's pad. He was going to have fancy furniture and lots of sheets to build a fort. He would surely win the Termagant's heart back! First, he needed a dresser. One night, after a mango party, he walked by a wet dresser. (The other ones he scavenged for had all of the drawers missing, for some reason unbeknownst to the Toothbrush Creature.) He went home, since he was carrying a tray of cannoli that could not be left to the elements. When he arrived home he subconsciously decided that he was not going to lug an entire dresser for half a block and then up one flight of stairs. It was too much effort, plus he knew that a good box of cannoli should never be left unattended. And he had THIS RASH. That was besides the point. A half of a block and a flight of stairs was a lot for a skull with a flower and three teeth to manage.

Before passing out on the floor, the Toothbrush Creature cursed the fact that he did not have anywhere to place his belongings. It did not feel right to not have a junk drawer. Where else did one have the freedom to scatter things that were in one's pocket? Where else could one have such compartmentalized chaos? It was the thought of a junk drawer that could get one through the day. The Toothbrush Creature's pockets had been filling up with junk for ninety-seven days. His initial thought was that someone else deserved the wet dresser, since there were other skeletal remains that were slightly less fortunate. (He knew a set of ribs named Bob that were constantly chased by neighborhood dogs.) He felt good that he could be a great creature and think about others first. Unfortunately, when he rolled his face onto the hardwood floor one of his pockets exploded. He decided that not taking garbage was for suckers.

It was time to brave the drizzle and check out the wet dresser. First, he chased a salami with a bottle of vodka. Times were tough.

During his slump down the stairwell reached a slow conclusion. He remembered that he was furnishing his apartment for the Termagant. She had not been social, ever since her lemonade stand went into foreclosure. (She seemed generally happy to have the Toothbrush Creature as a customer. She did not even charge him extra for a cup.) The Toothbrush Creature could see a group of vandals stealing the knobs off of the wet dresser. They were obviously doing it for sport, since something was AMUSING to them. TC was not having it. He slicked back where his hair used to be, just before kicking some ass. After an hour of dragging expired, the Toothbrush Creature left his dresser on the top three stairs. He decided to expand his apartment (his TV-VCR) into the hallway. The Termagant asked to be buzzed-in...

A Refreshing Post

The Termagant spent over a year on her conceptualization of the world's most structurally sound lemonade stand. She stole ideas from the public library, as well as pencils, pens, and whatever else would not be detected by the security buzzer. She became paranoid that the Toothbrush Creature was going to steal her idea. Therefore, she put a hold on the (increasingly hot) courtship. She told him that she needed to dedicate her life to hard work.

She queried an architect but refused to disclose pertinent details, such as how many floors she intended. She told the architect that, "[he] didn't know a ranch-style commercial building from a bomb-shelter." After further insults and accusations, he was hired. The ensuing months did not go very well, as the two differed on the few details that were disclosed by the Termagant. Eventually, she decided to hire a second architect, so that he could be told the pieces of information that the first architect was not allowed to know. The architects argued over everything except the audacity of their boss. The first architect bought a gun. The second architect bought a can of mace. Unfortunately, the first architect shot the second architect when the mace ran out. During the funeral, the Termagant decided that she would construct the building, alone, without the advice of the subject matter experts.

Months went by in the Termagant's basement. Rumors spread that she died from thinking too hard. Others argued that the Termagant died from being too mean. Even the cops were afraid to check. For the most part, her basement was feared by all who held their breaths while passing the dark, thorny front yard. The neighborhood children feared the Termagant's new, bright idea, should she have survived the thinking and being mean. The school did not send a note home, since it was safer that way.

Finally, one weekend, she unraveled the blueprints with her gnarled digits. She laughed a snorting, shrieking-grinding noise that sounded like a hyena being run over with a hand-held lawnmower. Rain bashed against the Termagant's basement window. All that could be seen from the outside, was a cloaked creature in the careless strobe of the ceiling light, which had been in motion for weeks. If one dared, one could see a few test lemons and a pitcher of icy water. It was said that the termagant did not plan on adding sugar to the lemonade.

The whole building a building thing did not work out. She went out on to the sidewalk on the stormiest day since the last she disappeared, holding a rickety table with three legs, dried blood and cigarette burns. She left it on the sidewalk for several hours, knowing that none would touch it. She returned in a new outfit that looked like a dirty doll costume. She brought back a pitcher, censored by electrical tape. It could have been anybody's guess what she was offering. She spent over four hours, as lightning fell around her, rearranging the paper cups. Finally, a customer arrived...

All Bark and No Overbite

The Toothbrush Creature actually had a Christian name. However, in college, he went by "Sky" for a while, followed by "Avarice." Around the office, however, he was nicknamed "The Toothbrush Creature" because of his strange set of three overhanging teeth. However, he refused to get braces, determined to prosper with his natural beauty. Due to his cosmetic malady, it seemed that he could attract only females with either TOO MANY TEETH or NOT ENOUGH TEETH. The Termagant fell under both categories. In other words, the Termagant was given two sets of sharp teeth on her lower-jaw and none to report for an overbite.

The couple met on a rainy morning, in Mister Monstrosity's dentistry and candy-shop. The Termagant accidentally bumped into the Toothbrush Creature, while reaching for a set of dentures. At first, there was a fight, even though there was a mutual secret crush. The Termagant could not believe what she had seen. A single man, with three huge teeth on his overbite. Her skull-flower fell to the floor and she waited for her love interest to pick it up.

He said that his name was Thomas, that is, Sky or Avarice, but rather, the Toothbrush Creature. He placed the flower on his skull, as things were just getting interesting...